A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
Ambrose Bierce A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
Ambrose Bierce Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.
Ambrose Bierce Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.
Ambrose Bierce Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Ambrose Bierce Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
Ambrose Bierce Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Ambrose Bierce Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Ambrose Bierce All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
Ambrose Bierce Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Ambrose Bierce An egotist is a person of low taste-more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
Ambrose Bierce Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
Ambrose Bierce Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Ambrose Bierce Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Ambrose Bierce Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
Ambrose Bierce Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Ambrose Bierce Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
Ambrose Bierce Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Ambrose Bierce Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Ambrose Bierce Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Ambrose Bierce Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Ambrose Bierce Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Ambrose Bierce Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
Ambrose Bierce Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
Ambrose Bierce Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
Ambrose Bierce Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Ambrose Bierce Confidante. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.
Ambrose Bierce Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
Ambrose Bierce Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
Ambrose Bierce Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
Ambrose Bierce Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
Ambrose Bierce Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Ambrose Bierce Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
Ambrose Bierce Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
Ambrose Bierce Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
Ambrose Bierce Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
Ambrose Bierce Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Ambrose Bierce Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
Ambrose Bierce Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.
Ambrose Bierce Doubt is the father of invention.
Ambrose Bierce Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.
Ambrose Bierce Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Ambrose Bierce Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Ambrose Bierce Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
Ambrose Bierce Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.
Ambrose Bierce Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Ambrose Bierce Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.
Ambrose Bierce Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
Ambrose Bierce Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.
Ambrose Bierce Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Ambrose Bierce History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It's one of the curses of London.
Ambrose Bierce I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
Ambrose Bierce Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
Ambrose Bierce In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Ambrose Bierce Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
Ambrose Bierce It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.
Ambrose Bierce Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.
Ambrose Bierce Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Ambrose Bierce Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
Ambrose Bierce Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
Ambrose Bierce Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Ambrose Bierce Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Ambrose Bierce Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Ambrose Bierce Mammon, n.: The god of the world's leading religion.
Ambrose Bierce Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Ambrose Bierce Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Ambrose Bierce Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
Ambrose Bierce Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
Ambrose Bierce Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
Ambrose Bierce Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
Ambrose Bierce Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Ambrose Bierce Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
Ambrose Bierce Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Ambrose Bierce Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Ambrose Bierce Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
Ambrose Bierce Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Ambrose Bierce Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Ambrose Bierce Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
Ambrose Bierce Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
Ambrose Bierce Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
Ambrose Bierce Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
Ambrose Bierce Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
Ambrose Bierce Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Ambrose Bierce Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Ambrose Bierce Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
Ambrose Bierce Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized.
Ambrose Bierce Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Ambrose Bierce Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Ambrose Bierce The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
Ambrose Bierce The covers of this book are too far apart.
Ambrose Bierce The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
Ambrose Bierce The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
Ambrose Bierce The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
Ambrose Bierce The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.
Ambrose Bierce There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
Ambrose Bierce To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Ambrose Bierce Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Ambrose Bierce War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
Ambrose Bierce We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.
Ambrose Bierce What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.
Ambrose Bierce When you doubt, abstain.
Ambrose Bierce Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.
Ambrose Bierce
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